D[R]EAD

"When people avoid what they dread, they lose touch with the reality they shun," said Albert Bandura, the founder of Social Cognitive Theory.
And I take that means if one dreads and shuns away is as well dead.
In my dictionary, living entails meaning. His life's meaning defines the man. Do you want to survive? Do you desire self-realization? Do you see yourself valuable? Indeed, Life is about subsistance and substance.
Though fully aware of this fact, I have not succeeded in embodying the implications. I want a happy and fulfilling life. Vague? Yeah, but leave it that way for a moment, because the definite objective has kept changing.
I have dreads or fears. A lot. What I fear most is being trashed. Sometimes, to avoid that feeling, I found myself trashing others. I also fear boredom. Then I kick my own ass to excite the nerves. No more fears need to be mentioned here. And as one familiar with psycology, I know the world is full of men of my type though not so many men have been as successful in life as me. I have tried to conceal or kill those dreads and referred to a lot of experts on this matter, but the result is not satisfactory. I am still strangled by those fears.
I want to believe that I am the greatest miracle of the nature. But the world tells me I am just common because everyone is, equally and fairly, the greatest miracle of the nature. They told me to serve people and win honor. However I had been convinced that to serve is to admit that you are inferior and should be bullied and exploited. I actuall read a history-based book, arguing that those with power would always prevail. I had a hard time to accept this. I cannot deny that. As I was raised to believe that the good will win and the evil will fall, I found the base of my philosophy on life vanish away. The world is completely dark, here and there, now and then. Damn! How ignorant I was.
It all dawned on me one day: I chose to believe the convenient lies and shunned the countering facts. With so much self-contradictory and controversial information, I just shut down my power to analyse and accepted what the authorities upheld. I was willingly deceived because I didn't have the dare to accept the facts and fight for the truth. I lived a nonexistent life.
I have to open my eyes and accept the bloody reality.
Many people have the same experience. Some continued to be blind. Some determined to be true to themselves. And still others became the warriors to help the innocent.
I have not enough power and influence now. And my dreads are still in my way. Those who have tried to deceive me and those who are at a position to trash me have a stake in doing that any longer. Because I wake now. I dread and I step up. Dreads will be the dead and I will be the conqueror.